Trends I hate: ’90s revival

In line with my generally negative attitude, here’s the first of a series of (far less serious) posts about current fashion trends I wish would be eradicated – but don’t worry, I’ll be doing a series of trends/brands/pieces that I love, too! * Note: Please take my expertise as a former Urban Outfitters stylist for all of… 3 months? AND as a generally fashionable person extremely seriously. Duh.

Trends I hate: (some aspects of) ‘90s revival
Though there are some ‘90s styles that I adore and wear with pride, I feel like there are even more presently in “style” that I’m repulsed by. High-waisted Levi’s denim? Yes, into it. Baggy, light wash, excessively ripped boyfriend-fit jeans? Down with them. Flannel? I hope it never dies. Little black leather backpacks? Of course. Converse and Vans sneakers? Duh, timeless. Crop tops, especially cropped crewneck sweatshirts? I may not have the body, but I don’t give a damn, I like that shit. Overalls? Just bought my first pair after more than a year of wanting to, and I’m in love.

But anything that was worn exclusively by children, anything super kitschy, or ‘90s for the sake of ‘90s, I can’t handle. I’m not sure exactly why the following items have made a comeback, and feel as if they’ve overstayed their welcome beyond the one-month novelty phase that their unflattering hideousness warrants.

Jelly sandals

jelly-shoesss

Image courtesy of Shoestedin

American Apparel has been a huge purveyor of these atrocities, which is something I’m really not surprised by, though the style doesn’t exactly fit their sporty, sexy-sexist, mid-70s ethos.

In my mind, these shoes don’t really go with any outfit at all. Girls tend to pair them with knee socks or white frilly ankle socks (see below, barf), which is somehow admittedly better than when they’re sported barefoot. Thoughts they conjure: a damn child, cheap and tacky, slippery sweaty feet, etc.? Screw the Internet for perpetuating the idea that these shoes are cool in any way. They should be reserved for under-12s in low-income families, and only from July-August.

Frilly socks

img-thing

Image courtesy of Polyvore

Again with the little girl vibes. I seriously blame pornography for this weird fetishization of young girls that has manifested in fashion. I was forced to wear these socks with my tiny dress shoes until the age of six or so, and then burned them all (I wish). They get dirty way too easily, look awkward with any outfit (fancy, but cheap? I’m confused), the frills are scratchy, and they’re creepy as hell, end of story.

‘90s makeup

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND - NOVEMBER 06:  US pop star Lady Gaga poses in front of the media boards at the 'MTV Europe Music Awards 2011' at Odyssey Arena on November 6, 2011 in Belfast, Northern Ireland.  (Photo by Venturelli/WireImage)

Lady Gaga photo courtesy of Venturelli/WireImage


Metallic lipsticks, stark blue and purple eye shadows, sparkles and glitter – no. No no no, a thousand times no. ‘90s makeup is tacky, unnatural, and unflattering, and is one of those trends that was brought back solely due to its era (following the rest of ‘90s revival), and not because it looks good. There are reasons makeup style has changed and advanced. Again, this just makes me think of little kids and those bargain makeup starter kits from Giant Tiger they get from their single, childless aunts on their tenth birthdays.

THOSE BLACK CHOKER THINGS

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Image courtesy of Brandy Melville’s online store

I’m coming to realize how much of ‘90s style was made to be economic. These necklaces were available at the dollar store because of their essentially disposable nature. Creating a blunt black line in the middle of your neck distracts from an outfit and really cuts your neckline off, and like all of the above things, these necklaces only go with other ‘90s items, and could never be worn with any other style of clothing. And again, adults didn’t wear these in the ‘90s, kids did, so what the hell is wrong with you, Brandy Melville?!

Fuzzy shirts

Image courtesy of Wanelo

Image courtesy of Wanelo

Basically repeat everything I’ve said above about these being reminiscent of cutesy little girls. This fabric isn’t even comfortable, and seems to only come in baby pink and other light pastels. How do you even wash this?!

Perverts, tacky bitches, and late-20-somethings trying to relive their cheap and cheesy childhood, rejoice in these trends! Meanwhile, wake me up when it’s all over (hint: the ‘90s ended 15 and a half years ago).